7. A Mighty King’s Undignified End
Ethelred the Unready’s massacre of the Danes in his kingdom triggered an invasion by Danish King Sweyn Forkbeard. He conquered England in 1013 and forced Ethelred to flee to Normandy. However, Sweyn died the following year, at which point Ethelred returned. With his son Edmund playing a leading role, Ethelred chased Sweyn’s son, Canute, out of England in 1014. Canute returned the following year at the head of a large Danish army, which pillaged much of England, but Crown Prince Edmund mounted a fierce resistance that stymied the Danes.
When Ethelred died in 1016, Edmund, by now known as “Ironside”, succeeded him on the English throne. His reign ended on November 30, 1016, a mere seven months after he was crowned. That night, Edmund went to the privy to answer a call of nature and met one of the unkindest fates ever dealt a medieval monarch. Unbeknownst to Edmund, an assassin was waiting in the cesspit for the royal posterior to show up. When he sat down to do his business, the assassin stabbed upwards with a sharp dagger, and left the weapon embedded in the king’s bowels as he made his escape. Unfortunately for Edmund, even if his sides had been made of iron, his bottom was not.