Vitellius
Abnormally tall and fat, with hanging flesh and a face flushed from alcohol, Vitellius is one of the few emperors whose statues perfectly capture what was written about his appearance. He never stopped eating, feasting at least three times a day (excessive for the ancients) while drinking copiously in between. You might assume from this that Vitellius was in no condition to enjoy healthy sex life. And you would be right; at least insofar as our sources go.
It was during his youth that Vitellius earned his sexual notoriety. He spent part of his childhood on Capri with his “friend” and former emperor, Tiberius. I say “friend” in inverted commas because during his time with Tiberius, and for reasons we really don’t need to go into, Vitellius came to acquire the nickname “tight-bum”. In fact, Suetonius tells he used his asset (for want of a better word) to great effect; the emperor’s access to it secured his father a political promotion.
After Tiberius’s death, he endeared himself to the emperor Caligula who repaid the favor by driving his chariot in Vitellius and crippling him for life. After Caligula’s assassination, Vitellius befriended his successor, Claudius (their friendship founded on a mutual love of gambling). Vitellius even managed to navigate (or should I say hobble) his way through Nero’s reign, taking up the emperor’s theatricality and playing the role of his biggest sycophant. He finally, and briefly, came to power during the civil war of 69 AD (known otherwise as The Year of the Four Emperors). Vitellius, to his misfortune, was the third.
His rule was short and not particularly sweet. He spent his few months in power eating his way around various houses of the Roman aristocracy, being excessively and unnecessarily cruel and—in order to fulfill a prophecy—starving his mother to death. His administration was guided by the counsel of one Asiaticus, a freedman who Vitellius made a knight. Many said that from a young age they had been mutual partners in buggery and this explained Asiaticus’s astronomical rise through the imperial court. This may or may not have been true. For Asiaticus’s sake we can only hope, on account of the presumably horrendous gout from which Vitellius suffered, it wasn’t.
Vitellius would meet a particularly nasty end on 22 December 69 AD. Upon the arrival of his rival Vespasian’s army, he was dragged from his hiding place. With his hands bound behind his back and a noose around his neck, he was hauled through the streets—the whole time being pelted by faeces and weight-related insults—towards the Gemonian Stairs. This was never a good place to be dragged as they were a commonplace of execution. And it was here, after a final plea to his people where he was executed. As a final insult, a hook was put through his lifeless body and he was thrown into the Tiber.