19. Notorious killjoy Oliver Cromwell banned Christmas during the English Interregnum
The miserable Puritan Oliver Cromwell, ruling England as Lord Protector after executing King Charles I, launched a stringent campaign against all fun in 1653. He banned swearing, made adultery a capital offense, and closed the country’s many popular brothels and taverns. But he didn’t stop there. Disgusted by the spectacle of people having a much-needed day off work and enjoying a slap-up feast during a period in which life was described by Thomas Hobbes as ‘nasty, brutish, and short’, Cromwell passed legislation against the festivities. Like a warty, proto-Grinch, Cromwell stole Christmas from the people in 1656.
Cromwell’s anti-Christmas soldiers stalked the streets, looking for any merriment and sniffing out roasted meat. Shops and market places were scrutinized to ensure that no one had the temerity to spend the day at home. Any food found being prepared for Christmas Dinner was confiscated (and presumably scoffed when no one was looking). Anyone with decorations on their houses would be arrested. And you weren’t even allowed to celebrate the birth of Christ, confusingly, for anyone found or holding a Christmas Day Church service was to be severely fined. This Grinch died in 1558, but Christmas didn’t return until 1660.