“Make love” and listen to the music
It goes without saying that the balls and dances of the Victorian Age were a far cry from the balls and dances of today (that is unless your idea of a ball or dance resembles one of those children’s discos from when you were younger, where girls would stand on opposite sides of the room and wait for the boys to make the long, lonely walk across the hall to talk to them). Far from being liberal, let-your-hair-down events, they were highly formalized occasions arranged for the express purpose of pairing off couples.
At the beginning of a Victorian dance, the man would fill out a “dancing card” with his name on it. He would then approach a woman, request a dance, and, if accepted, leave his card with her chaperone. The role of the chaperone can’t be overstated; under no condition was an eligible young woman to attend these events alone. Nor would the chaperone leave her side for the duration of the dance. Instead, they would hover nearby by her like a silent, shadowy wing-woman: a taker of cards and protector of propriety.
The man was allowed a maximum of three dances with each woman throughout the night. After this, he was left to play the waiting game and see whether her response would be forthcoming. At the end of the night, the woman would review her options, much like Tinder. And if she liked a suitor, she would pick him out having her chaperone return his card to him. This meant it was on: she had accepted his advances, acknowledged their mutual desire to “make love” (though, again, not in that way) and he could now start courting her.
When it came to offering advice over how to “make love” at the dances, the self-help etiquette manuals didn’t disappoint. In short: keep yourself together, don’t try it on with everyone, and try to leave with the same level of dignity with which you arrived. If a man were to successfully navigate the crazy maze of Victorian courtship, it was vital that he didn’t make a reputation for himself. Even if there was a lot of love to give, coming across as Cassanovan, as a man to every woman, could only do damage. As one contemporary manual outlined, it would “belittle you in the eyes of sensible people and perhaps spoil your prospects for a desirable match”.